Dual....:-)
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
