i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
