mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
