Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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