my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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