you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
