do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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