Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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