I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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