i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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