You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
A+ Viking dick
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
