Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Four minutes until I can fart!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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