Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
