Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You ate ashes out of my bong
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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