I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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