the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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