I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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