Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm like, not good at living.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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