Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
