Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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