I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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