So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
