Banned from zoo.
Again?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
