you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
