Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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