So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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