The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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