if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
