I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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