im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
