This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
