the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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