i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
