halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
