I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
