So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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