I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
