I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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