i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
