Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
