My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
