I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
