We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
