oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
