when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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