ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
