So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
cat food counts as protein by the way
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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