Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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