I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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