Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
