A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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