Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
