We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
