I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
