I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
