do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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