Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
