she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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